I think this is the end, but I might be wrong

Hey! This past year my 11th blogiversary came and went and 221,407 people stopped by to read over the past 11 years. For those not in the know, eleven is a magic number for me. I use it as a sign that things are where they should be and I am on the right track. When I began blogging in 2010, I used it as a therapy of sorts fully knowing I am not a therapist therefore I would not necessarily be the right choice for actual therapy. What did happen was amazing. The more I wrote, the more I realized I didn’t know what I was thinking until I wrote it down.

This was a revelation for me. Some blogs were very private and some I released into the unknown. Becoming vulnerable had a strange effect. It connected me to other people who were also vulnerable and demonstrated to me that I was not alone in my depression. I learned a lot from you and I think you learned a lot from me. We were good for each other.

As I began to heal I started exploring both inner me and outer me. Outer me LOVE adventure and trying new things. I felt I had a purpose. I fell in love with my city, my province and my country. Then I had the courage to learn new skills. I learned to run and ran a lot. But I never did that for me. I ran to fit in with a group of people. When I stopped, I learned they weren’t the right people for me.

I then learned that looking inward is where I could find peace and self-love. It taught me boundaries are the best love letter I could ever give myself. I said goodbye to people who treated me like hot garbage – who needs that in your life? Sometimes it meant not being around ‘family’ because they are mean and were the reason I needed this blog in the first place. They didn’t have my best interests at heart – only theirs. Once I learned that lesson, the freedom and peace I felt was a gift to me that I was not returning.

Moving past that, I tried to improve the skills that I already had. Deepen my meditation practice, sharpen my baking skills, and hell, I even went back to university to learn new skills that changed my career trajectory. People started popping up in my life that felt like coincidence but in truth, I honestly believe a higher power put them in my path. I learned about Reiki and crystals, I deepened my meditation practise further, I learned to laugh again – and laugh hard. I found joy in small things like walks, painting, crystal grids, music and reading. Stress only happens at work now and that is the next step for me to change.

I guess what I want to say is this blog was life-changing. I write as a creative outlet. there are four novels I might do something with. I had conversations (not in my head – but it was over social media) with Judy Blume, Cheryl Strayed and Glennon Doyle. All of whom are writers and self-healers who also shared their vulnerability to heal and change their lives. I let go of things that didn’t bring me joy anymore – hockey, Disneyland and commercialism. I began to wonder if they ever really did bring me joy or were they distractions that I used to feel included and part of a group?

I stopped paying for this blog. meaning, you will begin to see ads and intrusive things WordPress needs to do to make money. I will leave this blog here because I will likely come back from time to time, but I have travelled and done some amazing this year and felt a strong pull not to share. I am feeling that more and more like I don’t need to share anymore. I think that means I am healed and now privacy is the thing that makes my heart sing. I do think about a travel blog or vlog for the day I realize my dream of exploring the rest of Canada and making my way to the Maritimes. So maybe that will happen, if it does, I will post here to let you know about it and where you can find it.

For now, I am in another challenge. Something that I do every year, I set a reading goal and try to meet it. This year my goal was read 52 books. As of today, I have read 48 with 49 needing another two hours to complete. My daughter wrote a blog for her university project. It was about every book she needed to read for her English/drama major and creative writing minor. I loved reading why she like or didn’t like the books and what memories came out of them. She inspired me to do the same. So I started a new blog called The Library. It is crude and rudimentary. I spend no time with it, other than writing about the fiction I have read this year. If this might interest you, you can read the book stacks here. It is JUST the fiction, not the memories, non-fiction or spiritual exploration books that have caught my eye. Those you can see those on my Goodreads page. Friend me there so I can see what you are reading too. I have also started a new Instagram profile that focuses mostly on books I have read. I have joined the bookstagram community and love them. Readers have a special place in my life.

That’s my update in a nutshell. Thank you for being loyal and kind, and if you weren’t, thanks for that too because you were part of my learning process.

Stay healthy friends!

Edmonton Tourist: Tiramisu Bistro

It has been a hot minute since I have been brunching. I think somewhere around 18 months. The last time I remember being out, ordering food and staying at a restaurant had to have been at Café Bicyclette to eat brunch on the winter patio in front of the fire. Even then, I was wary knowing things were changing.

A month ago my friend posted about dinning in some igloos. It was outside patio dinning but sheltered. Very important here in Edmonton where it can snow on a moments notice – although this week we are heading into hotness of 36C – man, I expect it to be brutal. I am not good with heat. Where were we? Right – igloos. I thought this would be the perfect way for me to ease back into restaurants.

Tiramisu Bistro is located on 124 street slightly north (three doors or so) of the Duchess. If you know, you know. They had ample patio seating and three igloos. The igloos require advance reservation plus 48 hours menu selection. Which is fine except you reserve on one site then leave to email or message them your menu selection. This was not the best customer experience (I am a Member Experience Specialist so I am always looking for inspiration elsewhere) but its about flexing and I can flex with the best of them.

My go-to brunch is Eggs Benedict. But this time I went for the crepes and thought I might regret it. I am please to report, I did not. Cream cheese and cinnamon filling with caramelized peaches served family style. All entrées came with a fruit platter and a bacon platter. You heard me – a BACON PLATTER. The bacon platter had these marvelous fried potatoes that tasted like Old Dutch BBQ Chips with a hint of maple syrup. Oh man….I could have snacked on those all day. My brunch date had Nutella and strawberry crepes. I didn’t try his, Nutella is too much for me for breakfast.

The igloo had a long table and bench seating. It could easily sit 6-8 people. The patio was extended seating into the parking spaces on 124 street. The traffic was loud, but the music was old timey standards mostly redone by Post Modern Jukebox – exactly my style. The service was impeccable.

Next time I go (which will be for my birthday on August 16 in case you need to know), I will sit wherever they seat me and I will try something else – maybe the benny – but will 100% have those fricken’ amazing potatoes and log crispy strips of bacon. Damn I love Old Dutch BBQ seasoning! This bistro has made it into my TOP 1 favourite places to brunch in Edmonton. There was only one thing I didn’t like and that was the coffee. Next time I will have a latte. I do not love a medium roast. Give me dark or give me death.

Oh and one more thing – they have this adorable market and bakery attached. I could have spent all day. Need to rent picnic stuff? They got you from the basket to the quilt and of course all the fixin’s. I will be back at least once this summer but likely more.

Stay healthy friends!

PS good luck winning those Stampede tickets. If I win, you can have mine. FUJK.

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Easing Back into Life

Alberta is heading into Stage 3 for July 1. In three weeks time and my family will be two weeks post full vaccination. My friend texted me this morning to share her vaccination news with a “Let’s do something in July!” HARD YES.

I miss friends.

Work gave the option of working from home for the whole summer and coming back after September long weekend or going in after July. I am choosing the easy commute and lunch on my deck. So work from home it is!

I am taking a day off this week to celebrate 25 years of marriage with the hubs. Not 25 years of bliss but a solid foundation of trust and comfort. I don’t trust very many people and feel safe with even less. My comfort circle is very tiny. I just counted 11 people I completely trust and feel safe with. Maybe that is a normal amount and I just have high expectations or maybe I have put myself in disappointing situations wanting to trust people who I knew would walk away with a blade between the shoulders.

Anyway…doesn’t life go by in a blink? The hubs and I went through the ordeal of reservations this morning to a local bistro that a requires 48 hour menu selection and a $100 deposit in case we change our minds. This place came highly recommended and its a new type of experience. We will be dining on the patio in a igloo – not the snow and ice type of my NWT childhood, but rather a dome to protect me from unwanted germy people. I like the idea and it is a good first step to ease me back into the idea of dining out. I really want to go to the Sugar Bowl with friends, drink beer and eat popcorn. But my anxiety won’t let me do it right away, I need to gently ease myself into those situations.

I need to ease myself into most situations. Here is the strange part, I am fine with change but I don’t like surprises. I like to know what’s coming. If you said I need to pack up and move across the country – fine, don’t spring it on me that morning, I need to hear it and adjust. I think most people are like that. It’s about mourning the things you are used to and and getting excited about new things.

Stage three is like that for me. I like being home. The idea of not being home is a little bit scary but also exciting. I need time to adjust. I am not resisting it, I am just sitting with the idea in preparation for something different. Life is not going to be the same. BUT – it will be kinda the same with some new elements, like never being able to be spontaneous again. Businesses like knowing how many people to expect. So the appointment system will remain. I like (and I am sure my doctor does too) phone call appointments for prescription renewal. I LOVE curbside pickup. I never want that to leave.

I have been back at the office one or two times a week for short periods to review things and send in invoices. It has been so nice to see people in person rather that on the video screen. I cannot image how hard it has been for new staff to start work on our team from home. It is a strange new world. But I like it.

This new world has shown me that boundaries are excellent for my mental health. Small groups make me feel safe. I can’t trust everyone so limiting that group has been excellent for my mental health. I expect travel to be very different once I begin to head out into the world next year. My first trip will be a road trip – I don’t know if air travel will be easy for me ever again. I am excited to explore my country and go places I have never been.

I want to visit an amethyst mine in northern Ontario. I want to eat poutine in Montreal. I want to dip my toes in the ocean while standing on a red beach in PEI. I want to walk around Niagara on the Lake and see what the fuss is about. I want to see an iceberg float by while they still exist. I want to walk on the cobbled streets of Quebec City.

The second trip I want to take is also a road trip, but it will be to the USA. I feel uncomfortable about that, but I can do hard things. I want to drive to Sedona and explore energy vortexes. I want to go to the Hot Air Balloon Festival. I want to spend some time at the Gulf of Mexico and I really want to see the Florida Keys and go to Judy Blume’s book store. I want to go to Vero Beach and watch turtles.

The third trip will be back to Tofino, BC to say hello to my friend Ocean at Chesterman Beach, visit Feather George and sleep in a room while listening to the ocean gently lulling me to sleep. Visit Zoe and eat her grape pizza and stop on the way home to pick up sugar pumpkins and maybe a case of Macintosh apples.

Stage three can’t come soon enough. But also it can wait.

Stay healthy friends!

Bake Club: Babish Cookies

I am one of the 9 million people who watch the BCU (Babish Culinary Universe), I started when he only had 6 million viewers last fall. I enjoy his humour and his odd English language choices. Twice a week I tune in to watch. Never have I ever made one of his recipes before but this time he made a basic cookie dough that could be used many different ways. We all know I love a good cookie.

After looking up the recipe here, I realized this was not an afternoon type of event. The first step required to make a batch of browned butter and then let it cool. I stuck it in the fridge over night to proceed with the cookie making the next afternoon. Look at that dark yumminess. I put it on the counter the next morning to let it come to room temp.

The first step has you creaming it together with sugar then add eggs. This recipe doesn’t have vanilla – which IMO- it needs. I didn’t add it but when you don’t use vanilla, you can tell its missing.

I then added the dry ingredients and and found this to be a very dry dough. The recipe recommends you let it hang out in the fridge for a while – up to three days. I thought it was too dry after a couple of hours so I let it sit in the fridge for the full three days. It really needs to hydrate. I found it to be much more pliable after hydration. I am not going to lie, I was a little concerned about getting all the fixin’s in if this thing was going to be so crumbly.

Thankfully, it came together just fine – still dry but it held together when you squeezed it.

I decided to make the kitchen sink version. He used kettle corn, chopped nuts, candy and other things I can’t remember. I sent the hubs to buy cookie fixin’s and he came home with Mint Areo balls, Kit Kat Chunk, Chocolate Chips and Almonds. – all his favourites.

So I chopped and tossed everything in.

I scooped with my largest cookie scoop – about a 1/4 cup measure and baked them at 375F for about 15 minutes. Less time than Babish did and I am glad. I prefer a softer cookie.

The result? Pretty good. I think using browned butter makes all cookies next level awesome. You could taste the nuttiness from it and I used regular salted butter because I love the salty/sweet combo it gives you. This is a big yes. The kitchen sink ingredients that the hubs chose were excellent. I loved the almonds and will add that again – I thought about pistachio and think that would also be really good. I would have put caramels in this – maybe next time.

How about the cookie base? It was not chewy, it is more of a crunchy cookie. It tasted good – but needed vanilla.

Will I make these again? I don’t know, it took me four days. FOUR DAYS for a cookie that was good but not spectacular.

Will I keep watching Binging with Babish or Basics or any of his BCU? Heck yes – this guy is hilarious.

What are you baking this week?

Stay healthy friends!

Edmonton Tourist: Vacation Plans

I lost my glass of water and spent about thirty minutes looking for it. You know where it was? Sitting in the water dispenser waiting for me. It was full. I don’t remember filling it.

The phone rang this morning and it was my colleague. He needed a report I was supposed to run. I thought I had run it and I looked in the file – nope. There was no record of downloading it either. Sent it to him and thought about my week, what did I do all week? I don’t know. I remember feeling like I got lots done – I just can’t tell you what it was.

This is what mental exhaustion looks like. I have been here before. Thankfully, it isn’t bad yet. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. There are layers stacked upon us – pandemic, the premier, residential schools, rogue rule followers, restrictions, fear – and it is a burden for some, too much for others. For me, it’s draining and I am not reenergizing myself enough.

Every person I talk to wants a vacation, the kind where you go somewhere and do things that bring comfort. My vacation won’t be until July and even then, I am not going anywhere. I will be fully vaccinated by then and that makes me grateful and emotional. I am 15 months into this pandemic and still work at home daily. Occasionally I go into the office because I need a scanner, printer and inventory items, it its rare. Yet all I want to do is stand in the ocean for about an hour or 50.

Since I am not going to the ocean this year I think I need to plan something so I don’t feel like I have wasted my vacation. I have been kicking around some staycation ideas and honestly – I just realized I will be able to do stuff. Real Edmonton Tourist stuff. Half the fun of a vacation is the planning so I am reaching out to YOU. Any Edmonton suggestions?

Here are some things I am looking forward to:

• Outdoor Farmer’s Markets – I avoided them last year but it’s no secret how much I love them. I think I will visit 124th Grand Street and St. Albert for sure.
• Whyte Avenue Art Walk – that runs every Saturday until August 1. Maybe I will find that raven I have been looking for.
• Al Fresco on Fourth – patios, outdoor vendors, art, parks, say no more – this is a thing for me. Saturdays downtown on 4th (104 street) (I think I need more Saturdays…)
• Fort Edmonton Park – it has finally reopened and I am very interested in exploring the indigenous exhibit and checking out what’s new after refurb closer for the the past two years.
• Public Art tour – my friend and I explored a downtown section of public art and murals a few years ago – I want to checkout the art around Old Strathcona next. I bet she will come with me again because that was a lovely day and completely worth doing again. This time I will drive and instead of coffee we should go to a craft brewers for lunch.
• Craft Beer Tour – I think I will do a road trip and visit different tasting rooms – this will need some thought and planning especially around drinking responsibly.
• Part of me wants to drive to Jasper for the day and part of me doesn’t. I will play this by ear as the vacation approaches. My tenting days are over – who are we kidding – my camping days are over and I am not ready for a hotel stay yet. So Jasper must be a day trip. I have done it before and always loved it. This way Captain can come too.
• Stanley Milner Edmonton Public Library, now that it is open, the new library is a place I haven’t been to yet. I think it needs to be on the list. Oh and borrow an actual book with paper pages. It’s been ages since I have done that.
• Brunch – this is the number one thing to do that I have missed most this year. My go-to favourite place is Cafe Bicyclette but maybe I need to branch out and try someplace new. The fear is I won’t like it as much… but vacations are for risk-taking. Where do you suggest?
• Neon Sign Museum -I love this place. The problem with summer is by the time its dark enough to see the neon in all it’s glory it’s 10:00 p.m. but, I will take one for the team.
• The Sugar Bowl – I want to call my friends, sit on the patio and eat popcorn. I miss friends. I have a feeling everyone will be trying to sit on patios with friends this summer.

Well, that is eleven things. I need to save some time to rest and sleep – maybe read a book or two. Tell me some best places to visit in Edmonton and that includes brunch spots. What am I missing?

Stay healthy friends!

Pain and Shame

My head is reeling from the news of the mass grave found at the Kamloops residential school. I can’t seem to focus on anything else. There were children found as young as three and UIDs in children under 10. Sounds like geocide to me.

I think about the families I worked with in my classroom years ago. Native parents learning to be parents after five generations of no one knowing how to parent because they were removed from their families. Many died, all were emotionally and mentally abused. Too many never returned home. The shame I feel as a white Canadian and former Roman Catholic is insurmountable.

So what I have been doing about it? I have been educating myself. I follow First Nation content, I read and learn. I share out their stories and I listen. I don’t offer ‘my take’ nor do I tell them how to feel. I stand in support and help where I can. I invite you to do the same.

Join me and donate to the Indian Residential School Survivors Society. So much healing needs to happen.

https://www.irsss.ca/donate

Question 21 of 52

What is your greatest strength?

As an empath I think my ability to be vulnerable. You wouldn’t think so, I never did either until I received an email the other day that made me cry.

I was interviewing people for a job position and in walked this brilliant young man who had everything going for him. I could feel his sadness. I asked why with his resume stacked to the roof was he asking for this job. He said “I need a break”. He thought I was going to say no thanks, but I looked at him and recognized him as me. So I hired him.

He told me in that email that he was on the verge of ending everything and I gave him that glimmer he needed. As we got to know each other I would share hard things and he said that changed his life. You can recover and heal from trauma and move on with your life. He told me I changed everything and he was grateful.

You don’t always know the impact you have on people. We circle around people, say and do things that alter people good or bad, I always think its good. Even the bad stuff you learn from and in some ways you learn more than you would have if it was good.

I will likely never see that young man again but I think of him often and always with huge love for him. He is changing the world with his greatest strength – vulnerability.

Rubber Boots and Marigolds

Spring is trying to get here on the prairies without much success. I think we may have had summer because we had one day where it was 26 C. Then the snow came and it the weather is struggling to stay in the teens. I have been watching the overnight temperatures very closely and decided to risk it. I planted my garden.

There are people who won’t plant until the full moon after the last frost but honestly that is mid June and then stuff stops growing mid August. I don’t know about you, but I am not spending $$$ for two months worth of flowers. I typically plant Mother’s Day weekend, but held off this year. I am glad I did. The snow gave a deep soaking drink to my shrubs and trees. This weekend they came to life. I figured it was a good as time as any to get the show on the road.

I took Friday off and went to my favourite greenhouse – Wallish – and shopped INSIDE THE GREENHOUSE. This is big for me. I am starting to feel comfortable in public again. I masked up and in I went. Now don’t get me wrong, I would not have gone near the place if there was a line up to get in. There wasn’t and the place wasn’t very crowed with the busiest day of the year being Saturday. I came armed with my list and began the delightful pattern of shopping row by row.

I wanted Stocks in the worst way, and they were sold out. I wanted Calendula and they didn’t plant any this year. I wanted Teddy Bear Sunflowers and there were no sunflowers of any variety. Okay – plan B.

I saw Portulaca and thought why not? I will tell you why not, I got home and realized I no longer have a yard that supports full sun plants. So we will see how those poor devils do on my deck. I saw Dianthus and remembered planting in years ago in the best garden of all time behind the worst house of all time. I moved – I wish I could have brought my garden with me. I bought a few more perennials like Creeping Phlox and Carpathian Bells and then cruised the annual section for sweetpeas, petunias, violets and marigolds.

Marigolds have been a favourite of mine since I was a kid. My mom planted them along the south side of the house in full sun and there was a mass of marigolds. It was lovely. I have always had in them in my garden since. My son feels the same way.

When my son (25) was three, he had a pair of Tonka Truck boots that he loved more than anything. He wore them everywhere. When he finally outgrew them, he would not let me give them away so we kept them on a shelf under the stairs.

Often we would go to different greenhouses for ‘field trips’ and Hole’s Greenhouse in St. Albert was a destination one day. I was looking at planters feeling depressed about the cost – because we were poor. I mean struggling so I sometimes took after my great aunt Sister Dominica (yes she was a nun) and pinch bits off of plants to root them or pop a seed head off and take that home to propagate. This one particular day, Lois Hole (greenhouse owner and former Lieutenant Governor of Alberta) came over to me and started chatting about planters. I confessed my inability to purchase any and she smiled at me and said, ‘any container that can hold soil can be a planter.” I thought about what I might have at home that would work. Before we left, I let my kids each pick out a six pack for their garden at home. My son picked marigolds for his garden.

When we got home I was putting things away and I thought of my son’s rubber boots. I drilled holes for drainage, stuffed the toes with broken plant packs and had my son fill the boots with soil. Then we planted the marigolds. I showed him how to water the flowers and deadhead them so they would continue to bloom all summer then in the fall we let the flowers go to seed and carefully save the seeds for the spring.

This year as I was planning my garden, I asked my son what he wanted in his garden (the rubber boots) and did he want to try something new. “Marigolds, and don’t put anything else in there or you can’t use them.” Marigolds it is. We have moved from the first house with the amazing garden but the boots came with us. Every year for the past 22 years, they have stood on the step of my porch filled with marigolds. I imagine one day I will have a few more boots from future grandkids sitting there with marigolds too.

Stay healthy friends.

Question 20 0f 52

What kinds of things hurt self esteem? How can you discourage these activities?

It’s easy to blame someone for your lack of self-esteem. This maybe true for children who depend on the adults in their life to be truth tellers and caregivers (not care takers). Once we become adults it is important to stop looking backwards and blaming the adults in your life for where you are. Reconciling with yourself is life changing. Acknowledging the adults in your life were not what you needed but who you got and its up to you to make the most of it. Be the adult to yourself that you always needed. Once you move past blaming and resentment and start accepting, you can move past the things that hurt your self-esteem.

Anger, hurt and blame maintain chaos. Acceptance and moving past by self-care is peaceful and freeing. It took a long time to get here. Once you can be the adult you needed, its easier to be the adult others need. Fill your well so you can give to others.